as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
