My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Everyone says I win the strip club
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
