I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
