Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
