awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
that may or may not have been my penis.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
