I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
