mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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