Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
