Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
