I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
