living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Randomize
