so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
