hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
