i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
