You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dicks are not precious.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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