too bad you live with your parents still
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
