1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
