Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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