i think my tv is drunk
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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