I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
