they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
