my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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