I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
