At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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