We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
