I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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