Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
