i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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