I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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