Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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