you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
