Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
