I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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