He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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