I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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