Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
