So drunk its hurt
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
