he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
