Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
