Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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