i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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