At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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