Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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