what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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