there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
