Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
She needs sedatives and a leash
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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