Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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