So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
