Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
