I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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