I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
